Neither here nor there
. . . or, as they say in Yiddish, nishteh hér und nishteh hén.
Incident # 1:
Recently, I asked an old friend when her musician husband was giving another concert. She reminded me that he’d just given one that past Saturday night. I said that I would have liked to attend, but the concert had started at 8 PM, and, with Shabbat/Sabbath ending so late at this time of year, I wouldn’t have been able to get there on time from where I live. She replied, “Oh, I forgot you’re frummer than I am.”
Did I mention that this particular friend is a former Jewish-day-school Jewish-studies teacher, and was our son’s Jewish-studies tutor for several years when he was in junior high and high school? Truth to tell, I was a bit floored by her statement. It would never have occurred to me that I might be “frummer” (more observant) than such a person.
Incident # 2:
We went to the home of a very old friend of ours for the first seder. I noticed that, when she was leading the prayers that follow Hallel after dinner, she was reading rather haltingly, with the occasion error, as if she didn’t know the words that well.
Did I mention that this particular friend is much better educated Jewishly than I, and was my role model for many years?
I told my husband that, of late, I find that I’m becoming more observant than friends who are much more knowledgeable than I am. (You might say that they’re quoting Talmud and I’m quoting tefillah [prayer]). It’s an odd sensation.
Perhaps I shouldn’t be so surprised. After all, toward the end of my membership in my former synagogue (dual-affiliated Reconstructionist/Conservative), I was among the few congregants who prayed using the Birnbaum siddur (an Orthodox prayer book). I was also, to the best of my recollection, the only congregant who pointed out kashrut problems in the synagogue kitchen to our rabbi, and the one who proposed to my fellow and sister Ritual Committee members that the synagogue hire a mashgiach/kashrut supervisor (a suggestion that was roundly ignored.)
I think one of the things that attracts me to the Modern Orthodox community is the sense that I wouldn’t be quite so “out there” (conspicuous, unusual, whatever) in my observance. It’s a bit awkward, explaining to the folks at Ansche Chesed that, while I’ll trust their kashrut (“kosherness,” for lack of a better translation) in their own homes, I hold synagogue kitchens to a higher standard, and won’t eat “potluck” food in any shul unless the food is packaged (with a hechsher/symbol indicating that it’s kosher), not homemade. (See here. I think that a synagogue of any denomination should keep a kitchen kosher enough that any Jew—or, at least, any Jew not so right-wing that he/she wouldn’t set foot in a non-Orthodox shul—would feel comfortable enough with the kashrut level to eat there.) As for my current local synagogue, it’s awkward, being one of the few congregants I know there who prays three times a day. I find myself in the rather strange position of being both one of the most religiously-radical members of my local synagogue and one of the most observant, particularly among congregants in the 50-70 age range (see my “Little House on the Prairie” family of posts).
I do have one Conservative friend who observes taharat hamishpachah/family purity laws and "tovels"/ritually cleans her new dishes. (She's the only Conservative non-rabbi or non-rebbitzen/rabbanit/rabbi's wife whom I know who observes either law.) But I’m more observant, in some ways, if not all, than many, if not most, Conservative Jewish friends of mine, even the better-educated and/or more studious ones. Still, I’m not yet as strict or as consistent in my observance as Orthodox Jews are. So where do I fit in the Jewish community, anyway?
Incident # 1:
Recently, I asked an old friend when her musician husband was giving another concert. She reminded me that he’d just given one that past Saturday night. I said that I would have liked to attend, but the concert had started at 8 PM, and, with Shabbat/Sabbath ending so late at this time of year, I wouldn’t have been able to get there on time from where I live. She replied, “Oh, I forgot you’re frummer than I am.”
Did I mention that this particular friend is a former Jewish-day-school Jewish-studies teacher, and was our son’s Jewish-studies tutor for several years when he was in junior high and high school? Truth to tell, I was a bit floored by her statement. It would never have occurred to me that I might be “frummer” (more observant) than such a person.
Incident # 2:
We went to the home of a very old friend of ours for the first seder. I noticed that, when she was leading the prayers that follow Hallel after dinner, she was reading rather haltingly, with the occasion error, as if she didn’t know the words that well.
Did I mention that this particular friend is much better educated Jewishly than I, and was my role model for many years?
I told my husband that, of late, I find that I’m becoming more observant than friends who are much more knowledgeable than I am. (You might say that they’re quoting Talmud and I’m quoting tefillah [prayer]). It’s an odd sensation.
Perhaps I shouldn’t be so surprised. After all, toward the end of my membership in my former synagogue (dual-affiliated Reconstructionist/Conservative), I was among the few congregants who prayed using the Birnbaum siddur (an Orthodox prayer book). I was also, to the best of my recollection, the only congregant who pointed out kashrut problems in the synagogue kitchen to our rabbi, and the one who proposed to my fellow and sister Ritual Committee members that the synagogue hire a mashgiach/kashrut supervisor (a suggestion that was roundly ignored.)
I think one of the things that attracts me to the Modern Orthodox community is the sense that I wouldn’t be quite so “out there” (conspicuous, unusual, whatever) in my observance. It’s a bit awkward, explaining to the folks at Ansche Chesed that, while I’ll trust their kashrut (“kosherness,” for lack of a better translation) in their own homes, I hold synagogue kitchens to a higher standard, and won’t eat “potluck” food in any shul unless the food is packaged (with a hechsher/symbol indicating that it’s kosher), not homemade. (See here. I think that a synagogue of any denomination should keep a kitchen kosher enough that any Jew—or, at least, any Jew not so right-wing that he/she wouldn’t set foot in a non-Orthodox shul—would feel comfortable enough with the kashrut level to eat there.) As for my current local synagogue, it’s awkward, being one of the few congregants I know there who prays three times a day. I find myself in the rather strange position of being both one of the most religiously-radical members of my local synagogue and one of the most observant, particularly among congregants in the 50-70 age range (see my “Little House on the Prairie” family of posts).
I do have one Conservative friend who observes taharat hamishpachah/family purity laws and "tovels"/ritually cleans her new dishes. (She's the only Conservative non-rabbi or non-rebbitzen/rabbanit/rabbi's wife whom I know who observes either law.) But I’m more observant, in some ways, if not all, than many, if not most, Conservative Jewish friends of mine, even the better-educated and/or more studious ones. Still, I’m not yet as strict or as consistent in my observance as Orthodox Jews are. So where do I fit in the Jewish community, anyway?
posted by Shira Salamone at 5:52 PM
21 Comments:
I hear you, sister. (I tovel my dishes, by the way, but since I don't really fit into a denomination either, I don't know if it counts). I worry about not being able to find a shul that is "frum" enough for me while still being egalitarian. Even in NYC, I still can't get used to the Conservative shuls that do a heichah kedushah. One possibility, of course, would be to daven somewhere modern Orthodox and socialize with other more like-minded Conservative/Conservadox folks. It's hard to believe that would work in practice, though, outside of a college setting.
One more thought--a rabbi I know said that he doesn't think it's helpful to talk about whether one is "frummer" than someone else, since there is more than one possible measurement, and since halakhic adherence and frumkeit aren't necessarily the same thing. What do you think?
IMHO, you shouldn't be so concerned about "where you fit in." I think there's too much compartmentalizing in Judaism these days, anyway. Just be yourself.
Katrina, you're ahead of me--thus far, I've never toveled a dish. Just because you don't fit into a denomination doesn't mean it doesn't count!
"I worry about not being able to find a shul that is "frum" enough for me while still being egalitarian." That's pretty much the story of my life. I became a misfit when I started wearing a tallit. I became a double misfit, so to speak, when I later went in the opposite direction by teaching myself to pray out of an Orthodox, as opposed to Conservative, siddur (prayer book), so that I would feel at home no matter where I prayed. That move made me a walking contradiction, a tallit (and, later, tefillin)-wearing feminist who prayed out of an Orthodox siddur. Who ever heard of such a thing?
"Even in NYC, I still can't get used to the Conservative shuls that do a heichah kedushah." I have to admit that that's one practice common in some Conservative synagogues that doesn't bother me. In fact, I almost always cheat. When doing a heichah kedushah, a congregant is supposed to repeat the Avot and G'vurot sections of the Amidah prayer after saying the Kedushah section thereof. I never do that because, given the speed at which I read Hebrew, the rest of the congregation would be halfway through Ein Kelokeinu before I caught up. I'm a bad girl.
"a rabbi I know said that he doesn't think it's helpful to talk about whether one is "frummer" than someone else, since there is more than one possible measurement, and since halakhic adherence and frumkeit aren't necessarily the same thing." I could have sworn I blogged about this, but I can't find that post: When our Orthodox-trained rabbi first arrived at our Conservative synagogue, I told him that I thought the definition of an Orthodox Jew was a person who was shomer mitzvot (observant of the commandments) in accordance with Orthodox interpretations of the commandments--and the rabbi looked at me as if I had two heads. Good grief, if being shomer mitzvot in accordance with Orthodox interpretations *isn't* the definition of an Orthodox Jew, what is?!
Open the Gates, I *am* being myself, and I intend to continue to do so. But being myself does make me feel a bit isolated. It would be nice to feel that there were a group to which I takkeh/mamash/really belonged, rather than always feeling like a square peg in a round community.
I hear you. I often feel like I live apart and alone.
Jack, one of the nice things about blogging is that I've "met" many others who also feel like "square pegs," even within the Orthodox community. It's of at least some consolation to know that I'm not the only one.
I am with you. I am a closet frum person. Not the frummest by far but more so than I can be out of the closet.
Z, isn't it weird how peer pressure forces some of us to be less observant, or to pretend to be less observant, than we'd like to be, while forcing others (mostly in the Orthodox community) to be more observant than they'd like to be (judging by the existence of so many "Orthodox sceptic" blogs)?
Er, "skeptic." One of these days, I'll learn how to spell.
Shira, you are suffering from a disorder common to knowledgeable Jews particularly in the greater NY metropolitan area -- conservative judaism. There is no cure.
The condition is different than mere membership in a Conservative congregation. It is far more of an intellectual condition, resulting from availing yourself of the educational opportunities presented to you and your self-directed learning.
I suffer from the same disease. Raised in a conservative congregation and a kosher but not shomer shabbat home, the seeds of the infection were planted early, probably through some wonderful USY advisors. There was a considerable latency period. But as my daughters started their own religious education and my wife, deprived of one in her youth, sought to keep pace, learning and discussing became a part of our household. And with the knowledge comes the sincere struggle -- how much am I prepared to observe; what mitzvot am I able to take on now? And where am I going with this?
[This always reminds me of the line from the Talking Heads' song -- "we're on the road to nowhere ..."]
But, as best as I can tell, your struggle is within conservative judaism. Orthodoxy is not observance. Knowledgable conservative jews know that observance is part of the package. But observance is not the only issue.
The other principal issue is: "what do you believe". Right now, this is the big difference between orthodoxy and cj. I suspect you read Hirhurim. You can see the battle being played out on Reb Gil's comments page. But underlying the difference of opinion is an overarching acceptance of certain fundamentals, like, the source of the Torah.
You don't get that message today from the folks up at 3080 Broadway. Instead, you get "options" or "theories". I'm not trying to be sarcastic -- or cynical -- cj is involved in a sincere exploration and broadening of jewish theology, while its most devoted adherents attempt to adhere to most of the traditions.
Have you heard lectures by or read the books of Rabbi Gilman? A friend of mine, whose father was a senior academic at JTS in the previous generation, encouraged me to join my local cj shul (he davened at the MO shul) because of the intellectual attitude of the movement. And its there. But it leaves many of the jews in the pews confused or bewildered. Hence, its much harder to be meaningfully conservative than orthodox today. O has it easy.
The result is exactly your experience -- the nagging "where do I fit in?" In my house, after considerable discussion, we articulate it this way: "pretty much, everyone is doing his own thing." With one daughter in public school and one at a schechter, this has become abundantly apparent to us. We now accept the fact that there are cj rabbis who are shomer shabbat but will eat "out" (dairy or veggie, of course). We know of congregations with cj rabbis, where the rabbi drives to shul on shabbat (he doesn't even live in the same county as his pulpit). This isn't just a cj phenonenom; many of my friends at the MO shul are doing the same thing. It becomes more a function of where you are comfortable with the community, then what you've taken on yourself. And no, this isn't boiling it all down to reform, because the underlying beliefs are fundamentally different there, too. Just don't tell that to the folks you sit next to at shul.
There's no cure for Conservative Judaism, eh? :) Oh, so *that's* the problem! Too Old to Jewschool Steve, thanks--I think. :)
"with the knowledge comes the sincere struggle -- how much am I prepared to observe; what mitzvot am I able to take on now? And where am I going with this?" Boy, does that sound familiar!
"The other principal issue is: "what do you believe". Right now, this is the big difference between orthodoxy and cj." I'm in even worse trouble in terms of my beliefs than I am in terms of my observance--I was a member of a dual-affiliated Reconstructionist/Conservative synagogue for roughly twenty years, and the theology stuck, more or less. For that reason, traditional faith is not exactly my strong point, which certainly puts me at odds with most of my fellow and sister congregants in our local synagogue. I don't have much choice but to believe in the Documentary Hypothesis. "the intellectual attitude of the movement . . . leaves many of the jews in the pews confused or bewildered." If anything, my beliefs and/or lack thereof get the folks from our local shul, even more confused. "You don't believe in Torah miSinai (that the Torah was given by G-d on Mount Sinai), but you go to synagogue even for weekday minyan and keep a kosher kitchen anyway?"
"The result is exactly your experience -- the nagging "where do I fit in?" In my house, after considerable discussion, we articulate it this way: "pretty much, everyone is doing his own thing. . . . It becomes more a function of where you are comfortable with the community, then what you've taken on yourself." I'm certainly more comfortable at Ansche Chesed than at our local synagogue, except for the kashrut issue.
"Just don't tell that to the folks you sit next to at shul." Too late. That's probably one of the reasons why I'm not winning any popularity contests at our local shul.
Phrases like "I'm confused" and "where do I fit in?" imply that denominational boundaries are objective or measureable or meaningful. Not so.
One of my teachers at JTS said, "Religion is neither logical nor illogical, but psychological!"
If you took off the denominational labels, people from all movements would have a dizzying combination of beliefs and observances that, if made public, would move them in or out of their current denominations.
Some of the beliefs and observances among Jews are the result of (1) varying levels of study and (2) personal comfort level and (3) attempts to fit in.
Attempts to read people "in" reflect the insecurities of others. The irony is this attempt to make them feel better only results in people like you feeling "out." What a shame!
Let others worry their little heads about who and what you are. Believe what you believe, observe what makes sense to you, and be "you."
You can sit in shul and enjoy the sermon even if no one in your row keeps Shabbat. Similarly, you can eat in someone's home whose Kashrut you trust, but whose ideas about Torah are medieval. You can even influence all of them, rather than worry about not being like them.
Being in the middle is tough, but it's a mitzvah!
Jim
"One of my teachers at JTS said, "Religion is neither logical nor illogical, but psychological!"
There's a certain logic to that statement. :) May I ask which teacher this was? It would be nice to post the quote in that teacher's name, if she or he would not object.
"If you took off the denominational labels, people from all movements would have a dizzying combination of beliefs and observances that, if made public, would move them in or out of their current denominations." Spoken like a true anonymous commenter (quoth Shira Pseudonym, who's in no position to talk :) ).
"Some of the beliefs and observances among Jews are the result of (1) varying levels of study and (2) personal comfort level and (3) attempts to fit in." Pretty much all of the above describe me, though my attempts to fit in haven't worked particularly well, as you may have gathered. :) This is partly a result of the fact that a woman wearing a tallit in a traditional Conservative synagogue is simply too conspicuous to blend into the crowd, and partly a result of the fact that I have a big mouth and find it difficult to keep my opinions to myself. The first is bad enough, but the second is pretty much fatal to fitting in.
"Attempts to read people "in" reflect the insecurities of others. The irony is this attempt to make them feel better only results in people like you feeling "out." What a shame!" Striking a balance between the needs of traditional and not-so-traditional Jews is a major challenge. At one extreme, there are synagogues that welcome non-Jewish spouses as full members, rather than as guests who one hopes will eventually take the plunge, both figuratively and literally, and convert to Judaism. At the other extreme are synagogues in which the rabbi orders the removal from the sanctuary of all sacred texts, such as siddurim (prayer books) and chumashim (roughly, bibles), with English translations, on the grounds that the use of any language other than Hebrew in prayer or study is treif (not kosher, not permissible), which is not true. (You can't make this stuff up, folks--I heard this story from a co-worker, since retired, and my first reaction was, "He might just as well string a banner over the entrance saying "Baalei t'shuvah ["returnees" to Orthodox Judaism] and converts, go home.")
"Let others worry their little heads about who and what you are. Believe what you believe, observe what makes sense to you, and be "you."" I'm working on it. Thanks for the, um, chazakah(?)(encouragement).
Shira -- The quote you inquired about by the previous commenter seems very Neil Gilman-esque; if not his, perhaps its one of the many students he has profoundly influenced.
Have you read Samuel Freedman's "Jew vs. Jew"? Its a remarkable picture of where american judaism is today. I think the previous commenter's remarks about stripping labels is very accurate. Long ago, I came to the conclusion that perhaps the worst thing to happen to american judaism was the development of "denominations", which led to an institutional framework holding most of affilated jews in a headlock. I've come to believe a tolerant Orthodoxy would have provided a much better foundation for evolutionary changes.
Shabbat Shalom, Steve
The comment about logical/illogical/psychological is from Rabbi Yaakov Rosenberg z"l.
Glad to provide the "Hizuk" (encouragement).
Shabbat Shalom!
Jim
Jim, somehow, I didn't notice that you'd signed your name at the end of your first comment, which led to my "anonymous commenter" wisecrack. Sorry.
Thanks for the information, not to mention the grammar correction.
Steve, I read "Jew vs. Jew" a while back. Maybe it's time for a re-read.
Re your conclusion that the development of denominations forced American Jews into boxes, and that "a tolerant Orthodoxy would have provided a much better foundation for evolutionary changes," I have no first-hand experience, but my impression is that one is more likely to find a tolerant Orthodoxy among the Sefardim and the B'nei Edot HaMizrach (Children of the Communities of the East, mainly West Asian [Middle Eastern] Jewry) than among my own Ashkenazi brethren and sistren. Even so, I'm encouraged by the willingness of many Orthodox bloggers--including some who blog under their real names--to take on the more intolerant in their own community, and that includes chareidim (fervently Orthodox Jews) discussing chareidi attitudes.
OUR ashkenazi brethren and sistren.
And I think you're right about the sfardim. When one friend in my community found himself on the path to greater observance, he abandoned our cj congregation for the sephardic shul in town, rather than any of the four ashkenaz ortho shuls of various stripes. But the sefardim have their own issues -- excruciating clannishness; witness the Sunday Times' magazine article on the Syrians last summer. It may be most pronounced among them, but its persistent throughout the community.
P.S. You're up too late blogging.
Yes, clannishness is a problem, too. We Heebs sure are a divisive bunch--in Israel, it's the chilonim (secularists) vs. the datiyim (religious); elsewhere, it's the Orthodox vs. the non-Orthodox, or the left-wingers of any given denomination fighting the right-wingers of that same denomination (our Conservative crew certainly does its share). I've also read of FFB (frum [Orthodox] from birth) administrators refusing to admit the children of (baalei t'shuvah ["returnees" to Orthodox Judaism) to their yeshivot. And the article about Syrian Jews pointed out that they don't permit their children to marry converts. A bit more openmindedness probably wouldn't hurt any of us.
Yeah, I stay up way too late blogging. Then I wonder why I'm tired. Well, duh. [Insert roll-eyes emoticon here.]
What a beautiful post. Makes me feel so not frum enough.
I hear you too. I personally split between O and C- daven Sat morn and learn practical halachah at my O shul, do the odd minyan, most Sat nights, and other learning at my C shul. But obviously you have to have both nearby for that to work.
In the absence of that alternative, I know a wonderful shul for you, one of my former congregations (Sephardic Ortho just a few blocks from numerous other O and C shuls). Unfortunately ... it happens to be located in Philadelphia.
TherapyDoc, now the patient is making the shrink feel guilty?! What's the world coming to? :)
Woodrow, there's a good synagogue for me in Philly?! Bist a gornisht helfen (it's no help). :)
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